what goes around comes around?

Okay.. this is a bit.. well, harsh but here goes..

I read in some blog of people’s opinions.. and some of them are really shallow. There was this girl who wrote that when she was younger, she used to reject guys, even make fun of them if they had thinning hair.. and there is another girl who used to feel the same way, that it looks horrible on a guys even though she now has a better understanding of how it felt, but still cant bring herself to be attracted.

And they are now having serious problems with their own hair. This is not about liking a guy or whatever. Its just that people are so judgmental and shallow, and it hits a nerve.

There is a small part inside me that says now here is a little bit of fairness in the world. People like these deserve to suffer in the shallow way they viewed others. I also have this belief that no one deserves to suffer even if they are wrong, but I find it hard to sympathize for people such as these for now.

I’m not saying that I’m so perfect, flawless and am an innocent victim, but looking at things like that, and uh no.

Things happen to people for different reasons, for them to wake up, realize things, look into themselves, and sometimes what they did to others come back to them.

I’m just getting used to the fact that this life is not fair most of the time.. and trying to make the best of life.

I dont know what to put as titles to my posts anymore..

Why is it that many times in life, things just spiral out of control?

I know my blogs are contrary, and I have yet to decide if it is a positive or negative thing. Or perhaps its just being me. Neither.

Internet. Its so.. volatile.. that it can to used to do marvelous things, make things possible, a reality, and yet it can also be used to do so much harm, spiraling out of control, totally just off.

I just want to get out of my circumstances. Its ridiculous. I know how people wish that they could never had circumstances, but I accept my circumstances and I want to go up, build up, go forward from here. Well, sometimes I do as well, but I realize that one cannot change the past circumstances but only change so that the future doesnt remain the same.

Well you never know, destiny might just knock on your door when you least expect it.

Its just different.. I listen to a Taylor Swift song- ‘Fifteen’ and it sounds so carefree, so normal. That kind of normal doesnt even try to exist in my world, so they dont even try.

That rich heiress somewhere, a hidden long lost identity, a chance to be famous, am I that crazy?

Where do I go from here..

I feel most productive in the evening..

I wish I could be doing something great to the world right now. Like I was already doing something, changing the world to good. Like I was doing something meaningful.

I watched several clips and videos about Nick Vujicic, and I tell you, he is one amazing guy. Truly inspirational. One of the ‘real’ people, authentic in character and spirit.

Beads. I need to go to the bead shop.. Costs. I want to start making my bead work, mostly jewellery and sell them on the internet or something. I dont know about the effectiveness of my bead making idea.

Internet is as disorganized as the stuff in my room. My room has treasures, its just that its all jumbled up with all kinds of other things, that its difficult to find and utilize it for its better purposes..

Isnt it so that sometimes in life (fine all the time), you have absolutely no clue what you are doing and pray for it to work out…

Anyways..

Imagine..

Imagine if the world wasnt like what it was today..

and everybody had equal opportunities and lifestyles

and practices of everyone were ethical, caring and beneficial

that people didnt need to worry about their lives, uncertainty of the future

that people were comforted by the fact that they know that people are out there to help them achieve their goals

that nothing people dreamed of would be impossible

that people would encourage and uplift others

People would find hope in life,  and joy

that we would actually enjoy living as opposed to mere surviving

that we will immerse ourselves at the infinity of possibilities

imagine a world with no boundaries

then we wouldnt have

crazy people thinking that they have the right to dominate others

people with beliefs which cause destruction to other people and this planet

this greed which makes people literally steal things from others (call it petty thief or professional business opportunities)

Family breakdowns, teen issues (seriously there are too many)

And in the news

we wont see destruction caused by wars, of people killing each other

of horrors of violence and indescribable suffering people inflict on each other

of pain and heartbreak and misery

the craziness of pieces of rubble

of acres of pollution

random gossip about celebrities and things in their life that doesnt really matter or affect us in any positive way

And instead, we will see

stories of inspirational people in normal circumstances

a greener fresh looking nature everywhere

Loving families, loving people

Teens enjoying life and helping others

Everyone healthier, carefree and happier

And we will be living in the same innocence, vulnerability and dependance on others the way we see in little children

who said that just because we grow up that we should drift apart from other people

that it is somehow immature to want comfort, a hug, dependance, love and care

Life is meant to be born in love, and lived in love all the way through to eternity

Imagine a life of love

Its amazing.

Friends and communication..

I went through couple of my emails, wall posts, stuff on my inbox, letters I’ve received over the years which I’ve collected and a number of friends from different places and situations.

And a common element keeps reoccurring in many of the different forms of communication. Its that there are so many of these starting with the words- ‘sorry for the late reply, I was busy’.

Does this say unreliable or what?

I rarely ever say those words to anybody. If so, there is a legitimate reason, like something was up with the computer or internet, I couldnt check my mail because I had to really study or something real. And it really frustrates me when people take forever to reply, when I know that they are regularly checking their mail and wasting their time on their computers. I mean, how busy can one get, really, what busy. I’d like people to explain just how busy they are.

And the double standards is that I almost usually reply within a day or two. I’m just as busy with my life, I just make time to write to them. Its not like I am so jobless as to be waiting, completely unbusy while waiting for their replies.

Isnt the most basic thing about friendship keeping in touch and being reliable, trustworthy?

Is it me, that I somehow attract these people who frustrate me so much? That somehow its something like opposites attract, different personalities match.

You know what? I’m tired of making excuses for them, of giving them chances, tired of waiting.

People around me cannot give me what I need the most, and thats just the most saddest thing.

Is it because I’m reliable, that I’m always there listening that people think that I’m expendable? To ignore when times are good and then dump your troubles on me when times are bad? Am I just not good enough being myself?

I’m tired of being seen as a quiet, goody two shoes. You never even try to get to know me and you just label me on what you think you see. I am not quiet and not a goody two shoes. I’m not a sweet little girl who is helpful as ever who you call on when you really need help and  ignore when you dont.

There is no one I can really talk to you know, and I look around my facebook friends or lists of people I know but not really know. Best friend, I’ve heard this concept but it has never really happened in my life as of yet.

And I’ve lost a great many friends, lost in touch with them, and the last time was when I wrote them either by letter or email.

Its not just writing a letter or email. It is investing my time on our friendship. Friendship, last time I checked, doesnt grow on trees. You actually have to work on it, like any other relationship. And letters have postage stamps as well, and its not just one stamp.

People have given me this excuse too many times, that they have no time. Excuse me, how much time does it take to write an email- 5 minutes? Or a letter-half an hour? How about getting your butt of your couch watching meaningless TV, or the various other meaningless things people keep doing daily. And you think I have time to write to you? If you cant spend that little time for me, what makes you think that I would care to do that for you? Really, lets think about it for a second.

Things like this really hurt me, more than my frustration and anger. I have friends who dont care. Why. I lose faith in people, because I can only excuse so much. How many times and why. Why.

This is just something I need time to re-evaluate for myself.

Peer pressure..

Time and time again I always wondered. And it doesnt make any sense to me. Like I really do not understand some types of teenage behaviour. Peer pressure for instance. I cant imagine how people, especially teens are affected by this. Peer pressure and the whole ‘fitting in’ issue. (like what are you, a shoe size? oops the foot doesnt fit).

No, I really do not understand. Personally, I dont remember instances where peer pressure was stronger than my own views. I do remember when I didnt speak my mind, but its not like you speak out your mind every opportunity you get. There are places you have to stand for what you believe in and places where you have to just let it pass. Its not like I feared the ridicule of people around me if I expressed my opinions, it was more rather that I felt it was the choice of the person, not my problem. I wont say that it was the ‘right’ thing to do in some instances, but sometimes it was really someone’s growth process to learn and understand themselves by making mistakes.

Peer pressure, like I’ve witnessed it enough in school by my peers; I’ve seen people becoming who they are not in the pressure to be cool, people doing and acting things which just arent natural, and I do know the severity and consequences of wrong peer pressure.

Which comes to another point. Right peer pressure. I think I’ve been influenced by positive peer pressure, where somebody encouraged me to push myself, be a better person and try doing things I wouldn’t have thought of doing otherwise. Encouraging someone with comfort, confidence and strength, giving each other advice. Things which dont harm but help us to grow.

But negative peer pressure, like questionable partying, trying things like smoking, drugs or drinking, wearing clothes which defines who you are, saying things you dont mean and putting others down, I’ve seen these but I dont think I was pressured to behave in such a manner. And I have been to quite many new schools, changing houses, and meeting new people and new friends. So this is coming from someone who has seen different people, not from someone living in the same place all their life.

Just because other people do it doesnt mean you have to. Seriously, its like a chain reaction, when one person starts wearing short skirts (or something), others immediately start doing the same thing. Why do you have to copy? Trends. Just because some people have boyfriends/ girlfriends in high school, suddenly everyone must follow suit? I dont think so, it just doesnt work that way. Just because I dont want a cheap relationship ( because face it, most of the relationships in high school are temporary, and people start going out with others, kinda like exchanging each others partners after they’re done with them). I dont want to walk on the street thinking to myself, ‘ oh I used to date that guy at one time’ , or see random people that you are uncomfortable with, because face it, once you break up, it will get awkward.

But I do know that during teenage years, relationships and friendships really change, and so do people. People question and grow and start thinking for themselves.

Experience makes one wiser I know. But it never made sense to me to stick my hand into a fire when I knew it would burn me. But that is exactly what many people do. They do understand themselves what to do, its just that they do something stupid and then regret it. My mind understands consequences very well. Call me too safe and not loosening up and not enjoying life. Enjoying life to me doesnt mean doing stupid things.

Chicken soup for the soul- if one knows the series, its stories written mostly by teens on various topics. Teens helping teens. And I’ve found many stories educational, and inspirational, but regular teenage pressures dont exactly relate to me. But then everything doesnt have to be something one relates too. Everyone’s different. Unique.

Silent..

Hey..

I feel as if I am in silent anguish, quiet desperation.

I am recovering from a cold, voice all raspy- imagine me singing..

When friends hide certain things from me, well, more like ignore mentioning the finer details of their lives, then I wonder what is the limit of our friendship. Because just you dont tell me doesnt mean I dont know, plus I tend to get unnecessary information from many different random places and people, so it doesnt mean that I am kept completely in the dark. But I’d like to know it personally from you, because that way it comes from the source and it shows honesty.

I just hate the bleakness of my life.

Searching..

I am frustrated. I dont want to continue my life like this. I cant find meaning and my sanity through my days. Stress is taking a toll on my body and I am unhappy.

Why cant life be different? Why should I have to go wading through this marshlands trying to find a way out? Why is life so uncertain?

Back in high school, all you had to do was actually be in class, do what you are supposed to do and complain, and wait to go to the next grade. How sane, how simple. Only assignments to keep in check and tests here and there.

I feel constricted, helpless.

And there’s another thought. There are people who go through hell each day, and people who have survived the worst of situations- concentration camps, holocausts, wars, mistreatment, poverty slavery. Where was hope for them, and how did they find the strength to continue living?

I’ve come to a so called first world country, and still havent found freedom. Its not the country or lifestyle. Is this inner freedom I am searching for? I just dont want to worry about security, money, stability.

I dont know where to head towards in my life. Like what I really want to do in my life. There are people who found their passion in life and actively found their way to live that life. I am still searching.

Time flies so fast, days just pass by. I need to find that something which will give me meaning and freedom.

Fear

I am afraid.

I search for God.

I need strength.

Overcome fear.

Start living with passion

It’s like a car crash. It happens and your whole life changes. Hopefully you are alive, and dont have severe injuries, but you are shaken and bruised. And how much you wish it had never happened, to erase the memory, to go back in time and change it, you cant. And you got to move on. But sometimes its painful and so difficult for you to accept that it happened, and you are so angry at the world. So angry inside, frustrated but turning so quiet on the outside. You start to feel afraid. But it never changes anything does it? And you do the craziest stupidest things to come into turns with everything. Including changing everything around you. Your friends suddenly dont understand. Its your own way of grieving I guess. You need your own time and space to grieve. Sometimes, you have to forgive. Others and you too.

But you have to understand that what ever you do, or even if you go back to that same height you can never erase your past. Its part of your history now. It doesnt have to affect your present if you dont let it. Take your time to grieve fully, and let go. Dont let your past interfere with living your present. Because if you do, you miss living life. You end up standing still and watching the world pass by you.

You start thinking, obsessively.

Your whole life changes.

But what if it wasnt a car crash? What if it was something in yourself, a condition in your body? And you are so scared that you may not climb over that mountain? And still, after that there is the next mountain in the horizon? What if it never ends?

Feeling empty. Numb. Stare out uncomprehending life. If you start feeling empty you should realize quickly that you are at the bottom. Dont stay there. Its detrimental to you in every level you can think of. Get out of that place fast. Once you start sinking its so hard to keep on staying afloat. And you need to be out of that water.

Physical pain is forgotten sooner than emotional pain. Things which scar your heart take so much longer to heal. Events, people, memories, you’ve got to let go in the best way you know how. They are like poison slowly killing you out of your life. Resentments, grudges, hurts, every time you think about them you give them more power and control over your life. Let it go, its poison.

If you feel angry, you have the right to feel angry. You have the right to feel the way you do. Its not the time to think about other people. Its the time to take care of yourself.

Soul sickness. Everything which takes away your passion in life. Reclaim what is yours. Dont let anything take away your dreams. Find a positive outlet to let go of your frustrations. Dont let it overwhelm you. Anytime you realize that you’re not living life to its fullest know that its soul sickness.

Find your faith. Start believing.